Meh - The Goldilocks of Feelings

A few weeks ago in therapy, I told my therapist that, “Today, I choose meh.” And all of a sudden, an idea was born. It’s more than just a random quote, stated as an explanation and in defense of the life I’m currently choosing. It’s a whole movement.

Give me a moment to give you some back story so you can start to understand where my headspace was when I made this statement…

STORYTIME

Once upon a time, I used to feel BIG FEELINGS and feel them ever so deeply. Whatever emotion graced this body & mind of mine, it was met with a grandiose flair. Everything help, like, SUPER significance. My friend was sad? I’d be right there, crying along side of them. I got a great parking spot? I’d be SO excited! Nothing in my life was just, like, oh, okay, that’s cool. Or that sucks. Noooo! If it evoked a feeling, I felt it at level 9 or 10 every single time. I didn’t understand how to regulate my feelings - I went all in on them. This is all I ever knew. I loved immediately and deeply. When betrayed, I found it nearly impossible to forgive. I never realized that this came from never learning how to feel and how to regulate those feelings. This was just my normal. And, honestly, looking back, it was exhausting.

And then, fast forward a bit, my life got a bit rocky for a while. The situation I was in was pretty damaging to my mind, body, and I’d even say it affected me to the point it was soul deep. During this time, and for months afterwards, my ability to feel just kinda SHUT OFF. I was numb. I was feeling a lot of really ugly feelings at level 10 for way, way too long and then, one day, I realized I couldn’t cry (which was super weird because I was someone who would cry watching commercials, cry greeting my besties who live out of state when each came to visit, cry while laughing…I think you get it). I felt completely blank inside. Of course on the outside, I’d show the appropriate emotion for the moment, but it was forced and, for the most part, fake. I knew the socially appropriate response, but I couldn’t feel it.

I was broken.

I didn’t like this emotional void I was living in but everything was too intense for me to process and to feel, which my body understood, so I guess subconsciously my body chose to protect me. After removing myself from that situation, and lots and lots of therapy, everything began to kind of warm back up, I guess. Little by little, I started to feel moved again. I’d smile genuinely. I would feel choked up when listening to a heart-warming story. Little by little, the numbness wore off. Thanks to therapy, I was becoming in tune with everything within me. I was connected with myself. My emotions weren’t controlling ME, I was controlling THEM. And, they were small enough, still emerging, that I could keep perspective, feeling in small doses.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY

So, now here we are, back to present day-ish. A bit ago, sitting in my therapist’s cozy room, curled up on the couch with a blanket (ALWAYS a blanket), and talking about how I am perfectly happy NOT being happy. No, listen. I promise you that it makes sense. I am not sad. I am safe. I have a lovely home to call my own that I share with my favorite human and fur babies. I have the best community surrounding me. I’m beginning to write again (obviously). And I’m dreaming again. I’m starting to feel the peace that I hadn’t felt in far too long. And, with all that, I am perfectly happy with what some may consider a low bar for happiness. I don’t need to feel excited about life. I don’t need to feel excited about my future. I am content with being neither happy, nor unhappy. So, for at least today, I choose meh. And, I understand that there is a certain privilege that goes along with being at peace while not feeling what I would’ve once defined as happiness. Today, the bar for “happiness” is at the level of meh.

I feel like feeling “meh” is the goldilocks of emotions. I equate it to just generalized peace. I don’t feel joy. I don’t feel sadness (which, in today’s world, is quite the feat, I do believe!). I feel meh. *shrug* Maybe it’s because I got used to feeling numb. Maybe the zone of having everything shut down became my comfort zone and the absence of big feelings is my new normal. Maybe I’m still broken, just in a different way. But I really don’t think so.

For someone who rode the zigzaggy and bumpy road, feeling with heightened awareness and absorbing all of the pains and joys of everyone else, this straight, plain, boring road that is “meh” is a welcome straightaway. It’s not too much, and I don’t feel like it’s too little - it’s just right. I am sure this chapter is just another one on this path towards healing but I think I’m going to be quite content hanging in this zone for a while. One thing I have already discovered is that I’m not constantly emotionally drained. I’m not exhausted from feeling all of the things at the highest of levels. I just am. I’m meh.

Our systems were never meant to be bombarded with all the stimuli we experience in this day and age. I know with certainty that I am not equipped to handle everything I am going through, while also being the woman I want to be as a mom, a friend, and businesswoman trying to build a business (or two or three…), while also feeling the pain and fear of my fellow citizens around the country and even globally.

At some point, I think it is okay to take a moment to unplug, detach, and say loudly and proudly, “Today, I choose meh.”