Stay calm & choose meh

When I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed and in a state of mental fragility, I zone out on social media. I’ve been told this is common when dealing with PTSD - but I kinda hate it that my mental capacity is so currently maxed that scrolling through social media posts is the total effort I can put out. *rolls eyes*

Oh, well. Meh...

Anyway, the good is that I’ve learned a ton about myself through the eyes of others. I read things and I’m like, HOW DO THEY KNOW ME??? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more understood or seen.

Today, I came across this beautiful little nugget:

And, man, did I just sit in that. For a while. Because I feel like this is a large part of the definition of me. Especially the “exhaustingly empathetic” and "feel in extremes” bits.

Yes, yes, yes.

It’s why this feeling was born: Today, I feel meh. It might be from being functionally depressed and dealing with PTSD, it might be because I’m almost positive I have ADHD and I’m on the autism spectrum, and it might also be from finally having control over my emotions to the point that I am SO SICK of feeling. I hate it. I want to feel nothing - I am so sick of feeling everything. I. Am. Exhausted.

And that exhaustingly empathetic bit? Yeah… My therapist just this past week told me that I give so much understanding, extend so much grace, over and over again, that I don’t give up on people, no matter how I have been hurt by them, or how many times it has happened - not until my soul is crushed. That’s what he said - it’s as though he was able to actually see my soul right now.

I think back to my marriages: I didn’t leave - couldn’t! - until exactly that happened. I know each moment when my soul was finally crushed, when it hurt so bad that it was finally to a point that there was no coming back from, that I finally had to give up and walk away…when I could no longer ignore or excuse everything away. I always had said it was like a light switch had been flipped off. I guess it’s one and the same - either way, I’m just left in darkness.

So, I wonder what things will look like for me moving forward, now that I have this awareness? And now that I am just so tired and am totally okay embracing that. I am really loving feeling meh when I remember to keep perspective. It’s just so much easier. Overall in those moments, I don’t get worked up over anything, in a positive or a negative way. It all just is.

(Well, personally. Professionally, I have an abundance of excitement. I am starting to feel creative again. I have ideas and dreams and HUGE goals. And I believe in them. But maybe it’s because I’m in control of that. Everything professionally speaking rests on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. I don’t have to count on anyone else. If I fail, that’s on me. And when I succeed, that, also, is on me. And I know I can count on myself.)

I know this all sounds heavy, but that’s okay. Sometimes I can’t help but feel it all and I fight back to my new equilibrium of feeling meh. I’ll get back there. I’m not afraid to sit in this darkness, I’ve been here so many times and I always find my way back out. This isn’t a cry for help so much as sharing (oversharing?) a vulnerable truth that I know many people also share. There are so many of us sitting in the dark right now...

I’m grateful for an incredible community that reminds me often enough of my light that shines brightly within so that I may never forget who I actually am. My community fills me with the care that I need to feed this crushed soul, sometimes doing nothing more that just sitting next to me in the dark, breathing right along with me. And I love them for that. I don’t need affirmations or rescuing or concerns from others, by the way. I’ll be okay. I always figure it out. But this time, with the peace and permission to feel meh about it all.

When you start to gain awareness of why you have been who you have been, you can make different decisions. Gone are my days of abundant grace and people pleasing and excusing people’s shitty behavior. The number one thing in my life that I have tried to avoid, usually at all costs, is for people to feel disappointed in me. Now, I’m learning that that isn’t my burden to carry. I have a feeling a lot more people are going to start feeling disappointed and I think I feel rather meh about that. *shrugs*

It’s time I live this life for me. Unapologetically.

The old me is dead. She has been slowly dying for quite some time now and this past week, I felt the last glimmers of that version of me fade into darkness. I said earlier in this post that I’ll be okay. But the truth is, I feel something beginning to boil within me that is new. I think this next iteration is going to be something really special and I am looking forward to meeting her. But - this version will not be rushed. I know the sea I am on now and the waves I must ride to get out of this storm.

So, for now, let’s not get all bent out of shape over that which we cannot control. The storms will do their thing and we will weather it. Let’s just all agree to stay calm and choose meh while the waves crash upon us.